hmm.. my frequency of updating my blog has been decreasing drastically... *drop dead*

Since becoming the president of Emina, i've felt the pressure of being one more and more with the passing days. I've never experience such huge burden upon my shoulders as i've always been the not-so-important-and-if-possible-can-be-forgotten type of person my whole life... i may have exaggerated but at least back then i dun feel so much pressure as i'm feeling right now. It might be nothing, or it might be jz me, but i think i'm stressed out. I'm worried about how well i should carry myself, how i should change myself to be worthy of the post, about my every decision for the club, about my mentality... there is so much to worry about, and so few solutions coming into mind.

I've always believed that i'd be able to take care of my academic pursue no matter what, but my conviction began to falter, as the beta course subjects get harder and more confusing as we go on further. For once, I'm afraid that i might fail even one of the papers. Everytime i put aside my tutorials and books and busy myself with club activities, the fear of not being able to catch up with my studies lurches deep in my thoughts. I started to think back about my club presidents during secondary school, who almost failed their exams though they were really excellent students before holding the posts. I'm scared.

Things might go well, or at least i hope they did, but i still can't help feeling so useless and frustrated. Maybe i'm not used to it yet, i'd console myself. But when will my adaptation kick in? 1 month? 2? I really doubt that i can change that fast, at least i know my inersia towords changing is really big. The momentum of changing might be huge, but it dies down relatively fast. One day i'd be so eager and full of enthusiasm to change, and might even succeeded, but i'd jz change back to my old self on another day. i'm jz too stuck with my lame personality. I try to be cheerful, i try to be positive, and not so blur at times, but it jz cant stay for long. Before you can say 'blur sotong' i'd be back to my lazy-assed, pessimistic, undecisive and blurry self. I'm jz too unworthy to become ppl's leader. But i've became one, and there's no turning back. Sink or float, i'd have to do wat i'm here for.

To ppl reading this blog, pls dun worry about me. I'm not going to suicide or anything close to that :p. I jz need to sort out my thoughts and to reassess myself for the betterment. It's time to change. But will it last? I'll keep on trying until it does. God, pls help me... i'm like a lost lamb, misled into the cross road of thousand choices...